A Celebration of Life

I still can't believe he's gone. That's what I kept telling people today at Eric's funeral. I've been told it will take a few weeks for his absence to sink in. To feel real. I'm constantly looking for him. It's instinctual. Any second he'll come buzzing around the corner from his office. It doesn't happen though and I have to remind myself that he isn't physically here. I got used to having him around. Even when he was ill, he still was present. I'm realizing there was no way I could prepare myself for this. It's beyond anything I could of ever imagined. Surreal. When I told Eric goodbye today, it didn't really feel like goodbye. Actually, it felt more like a celebration of Eric's life. He was brought alive by the people surrounding him. He became more real to me. I suppose that's why tonight I sit in the office on the computer trying to figure out how the heck I got here. How a man I spent 13 years of my life with is no longer beside me. I don't see him eating dinner or hear him talking to Ethan. It's strange and at the same time, so very sad. I miss him so deeply that my heart aches each moment I think about him. I've shed enough tears to empty two Kleenex boxes. I'm in a complete state of confusion. Nothing makes sense. I suppose this is a completely normal reaction to losing a loved one. When it's your own though, it doesn't seem to matter whether it's "expected" or not. It hurts just the same. Here's to hoping tomorrow is a little bit clearer.

I was asked if I wanted to bring any of the flowers home from the funeral. I chose one bouquet and donated the remaining flowers to a local nursing home. There were many, but I couldn't part with the bouquet I received from the community of women at Studio Calico. It's was too beautiful. My favorite colors (Eric would of wanted me to bring them home...smile).

Comments

[Tracy]

Christine,

Just know that I feel the same hurt in my heart for you. I my not be quite at the same place as you just yet, but I am constantly thinking about it.

You have been in my every waking thought. One day at a time is all you can do. I know you will miss Eric every single day, but just look at your precious Ethan and you will see Eric looking right back at you.

You are loved!

[ngaire Bartlam]

what an amazing woman you are.
peace.
Ngaire
in Brisbane, Australia.

I know you dont know me... I didnt know you till a couple of days a go. Now I just want to keep checking you are ok. dont mind me...
:)

[Cindy]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. You don't know me personally, but I've been reading your blog since last summer. I just wanted you to know that you have been in my thoughts and prayers today.

[Heather Prins]

We are with you Christine, cheering you on with each brave step you take. We would all give anything to ease your pain, you are not alone. Give yourself lots and lots of time, the world will wait. big hugs to you always.

[Denise]

Christine, just checking in to let you know that you and Ethan are in my thoughts. I can tell you that it does take time, but as time goes by the heartbreak lessens and life feels more stable. I hope that makes sense.

[Denise Morgan]

Christine,
My deepest sympathy goes out to you and your family. I lost my Dad to a cancerous brain tumor also. He was only 62. It did'nt feel real. After 2 years it's not quite as bad but I still cry when I think about him.
I wish only the best on your new journey and I'll keep checking up on you along the way.
Good Luck and God Bless
Denise

[Kelly]

After the numb and confusion wears off, I know you will begin to see and feel Eric around you again. It will take time and even more boxes of tissues, but someone that has had such a loving place in your heart is never far away....

Give yourself all the time you need.
Hugs,
Kelly

[Amanda]

There are many prayers going out for you and your family as you go through this difficult experience. I am crying just thinking of your pain. Make sure you do grieve over his loss as it will help you as you go on with life. Hopefully others thoughts can help you through this tough time.

[Gaby]

Christine: My heart aches with you!

I have no more words! take your time! my prayers and thoughts are with you!

God bless!

[corinne delis]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fORAPkfVV_A

all I can say is keep breathing.

corinnexxx

[Sharon]

*hugs* just wanted to let you know you're in our thoughts. Hoping and praying for you guys, knowing that the strength of your family and loved ones will help you through this difficult time.

[veronica]

Christine, I know it may seem weird...but I've been following your blog for months now. I've been crying everyday as if I just lost a brother. My heart goes out to your brave soul. I admire your strength.

xoxo,

Veronica

[Casey Lu]

Christine,
Reading your blog has been so great as I love how you cherish each and every moment for the last few months, yet my heart aches for you and your son, Ethan during your time of loss. I am crying also trying to imagine the pain you are going through. May God bless you and your son, to get through this trying time in your life. May he also wrap his arms around you and comfort you with his love! God bless you!

Casey Lu

[Shelly]

Oh Christine, everything you are feeling is normal. In fact, you will feel numb, you will get mad, you will feel really sad and then you'll start healing. But there is no timeframe on any of it - it's all at your own pace. But I promise, the heartache will lessen. One thing to remember, be kind to yourself on the days that seem to be harder than others, tomorrow will be another day. You have alot of friends and we are all here for you, to listen when you need someone to talk to and open arms to hug you and big hearts to feel for you and console you when your sad. Take care of your precious Ethan and just as important - take care of you!

[Monica Sharpe]

I just wanted to let you know your in my thoughts. I know you don't know me nor do I know you but I can't help not to say that I'm extremely sorry for your loss.

-monica-

[Heidi]

Christine,

I also have been following your blog the past few days and wish I could come up with some profound thing to say to make you feel less pain. Please know that you are covered in prayer and love at this time. I hope we here can be an encouragement to you. We are here reading when you want to talk it out. Much love to you and Ethan.

Heidi

[Aleta Wills]

Another lurker of your blog. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family. May God hold you in His hand in this time of need and Bless you with loving memories.

[jill]

take it one day at a time. you're often in my thoughts.

[Aleida Franklin]

Christine: We are here for you. My heart aches for you. I hope the florals brought some comfort in knowing that we all are thinking about you at SC.

[Laura]

Christine - I thought about you all day yesterday sending courage and comfort your way. I desperately wish that we could take away your heartache. I want you to know that you won't walk alone - we'll be here to comfort, listen and love you the best way we can in cyberspace :) Warm hugs.

[Jennifer]

Thoughts and prayers out to you and your family.

{{hugs}}

[Kristin]

Christine,

It seems I have told you over and over that I can't begin to imagine the pain and sadness you are carrying with you at this time. I do know that it will get better. I can't tell you when. Just know that SO many people are thinking of you. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and yours.

[Susan Dingess]

We all check on you and want to give you hugs.

[Tracy in NC]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. You are in my prayers daily.

[Anilu Magloire]

I've been staring the comments box, and I have no idea what to say...
Just go with the flow. Don't keep anything inside.
I have been constantly thinking of you. I am hugging you very hard.